That Red Van

My sophomore year of high school, I was raped after a dance. My date had dropped off the other couple and proceeded to pull into a dark parking lot. I had only known him for a few months but we seemed to really like each other, he seemed to really like me. This boy was a junior so I thought that I was so awesome dating an older guy. I didn't really think anything of the parking lot, I just thought that he wanted to talk, maybe kiss. Boy, was I wrong. I won't go into the details of exactly what happened that night, but I will say that it still haunts me to this day. The other day, I parked next to the same car that he had been driving that night, a red van. I froze with my hands on the steering wheel. All the terrible memories, emotions, physical and emotional pain came flooding back, things that I had suppressed for over three years. When something like that happens to you, you don't talk about it. It hurts too much to talk about. You break down occasionally but you figure out that if you can suppress it deep enough, you don't have to deal with it for the most part. But then something like the van happens, a trigger. Suddenly, your mind becomes this inescapable prison of nightmares. I wish I was exaggerating when I say that I literally had no control over myself. I was shaking, trapped in my head. I couldn't even cry like I wanted to; nothing, nothing was coming out. Any victim of rape, sexual assault, or abuse can tell you that finding someone after something like that is so difficult. For me, being in the same room alone with a guy is such an ordeal for me; even if I know that nothing is going to happen. Allowing yourself to like someone, trust someone again is almost impossible. Almost. Now, I haven't found love yet. I don't know if that's going to happen for me anytime soon. But I'm here to tell all of you out there just like me, that I truly believe that it is possible. For all of you that haven't experienced any form of sexual assault or abuse, I hope you can understand, somehow, just what it is that we go through every day. It's a process, a very painful one. But the very special thing about a process is that it is always moving; sometimes forward, sometimes back. So if you are reading this and you are struggling with your self esteem, just got out of a bad relationship, or are a struggling victim like me, I urge you to keep moving. Bad days happen, my story with the van is evidence of that. But let me tell you a secret: one of the best things that you can do for yourself, and others, is to tell your story. Tell it to your mom, your best friend, your dog; just get it out there. Sexual assault is a problem that can't be ignored. It matters; you matter. Never forget that because if you learn to love yourself, all the issues included, finding the person that you will spend the rest of your life with becomes so much more exciting, even easier. For everyone out there like me, please keep fighting. Fight for your friends, for your kids, but most importantly, yourself. No one deserves it more than you.